Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe


Who would have guessed that before running for governor of Minnesota, policing the galaxy in bad sci-fi flicks was penciled in on Jesse “The Body” Ventura’s resumé, right after “feather boa-wearing professional wrestler?” In Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe, the hilariously wooden Ventura plays an intergalactic cop who travels to Earth in order to track a rouge alien named Secundus, who is looking for an Earth woman to bear his space child (since apparently Earth girls really ARE easy) – a child who will grow up with the power to one day destroy the universe! As good cop Abraxas pursues his evil nemesis (who manages to knock up the first Earth woman he meets simply by touching her, causing her to immediately give birth to a creepy mute child with telekentic powers) through assorted snow banks, evergreens and winter wonderland deathtraps in Northern Minnesota during the Christmas holiday season, a veritable avalanche of late ‘80s / early ‘90s sci-fi movie clichés are laid out for all to enjoy, as this ultra-cheap, Canadian “Direct-to-Video-Terminator-Rip-Off-on-a-Budget” merrily crashes and burns into the abyss of truly stupid sci-fi atrocities. Horrific highlights include a shirtless Ventura (sporting a ratty space age ponytail) awkwardly coaxing the young mute alien child into his bed by offering to read him a story, a bizarre two-minute cameo by Jim Belushi as a confused high school principle and Ventura delivering the immortal line: “My box has VD.” WTF? (Dir. by Damian Lee, 1990, 90 min., Rated PG-13) Digital