Alienator

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“In deep space, the deadliest animal is still woman!”

When a female wrester cyborg from outer space lands on Earth in order to track down an escaped space convict (think Dog the Bounty Hunter with circuitry and super-sized robo breasts), AND she’s been sent here by none other than the slightly tipsy, former action star Jan-Michael Vincent, you know you’re in for some major Z-Grade Bad Movie fireworks, and boy does Alienator deliver! Like something dreamt up by a distracted sociopath huffing bath salts, this rinky dink sci-fi extravaganza is a real mess, but a real HOT mess, so prepare to give yourself over to its seriously malfunctioning charms. Directed by perennial bad movie perpetrator Fred Olen Ray (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Dinosaur Island), Alienator starts out as one kind of bad movie, then mysteriously becomes a different kind of bad movie at the half-way mark, presumably because it became apparent to all involved that the original concept was not going to be sustainable given the $3.98 budget constraints. Way out in a galaxy far, far away, drunken space commander Jan-Michael Vincent (Damnation Alley) is ready to execute convicted criminal Kol (Ross Hagen, Avenging Angel), with the help of his ditzy assistant Tara (PJ Soles, Rock and Roll High School). Somehow, Kol escapes and heads for Earth, at which point Commander Jan-Michael dispatches the Alienator (played by Teagan Clive, ex-wrestler and star of Vice Academy Part II), a beastly female robot wearing a gigantic new wave platinum blonde wig, a metal thong and an indestructible bra made out of tin cans, to bring him back, dead or alive. At this point, we switch to the OTHER movie (sort of a “Spam in a Cabin” horror film), as once on Earth, the pretty much unstoppable Alienator hunts down Kol, who has hooked up with a gang of dumb teenage campers in the woods, as well as a dimwitted sheriff (played by John Phillip Law, star of Barbarella) and she proceeds to pick them off with her super-destructo ray gun apparatus … when she’s not befriending a cute baby deer and picking splinters out of her toes, of course. Yes, it’s as wonderfully dumb as it sounds, and probably even more so – this is one craptastic flick that will only alienate you from one thing … your own good taste. (Dir. by Fred Olen Ray, 1990, USA, 93 mins., Rated R) Digital