Alley Cat

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“This lady owns the night.”

When an ornery alley cat in tight jeans and a tube top pulls out her claws to exact revenge on the hambones who killed her grandparents, no carpeted kitty castle or dainty dish of Fancy Feast is going to soothe her, because this fiery feline has the kung fu moves and the puurrrr-fectly proportioned body to give the bad guys an eyeful and then send them straight to the doghouse! In this ultra-trashy Death Wish rip-off with a sleazy feminine twist (think Ms. 45 with larger, and frequently exposed, breasts), a sassy young woman named Billie (played by sassy exploitation actress Karin Mani, star of Avenging Angel and The Slavers) is forced to take the law into her own hands when a gang of laughably vicious punks murder her grandparents, and the cops won’t do a darned thing about it. But her vigilante efforts, aided by her awesome black belt prowess and cat-like stalking skills, soon make Billie’s loved ones a target for the villains, and Billie is forced to go to extreme lengths to ensure that she won’t lose all of her nine lives in one fell swoop. Ludicrously sleazy (at one point, Billie ends up in a women’s prison, seemingly for no other reason than to get her into a group shower scene), terribly dated (Billie’s “Rainbow Brite” fashion sense will haunt your soul) and goofy in all the wrong places (should we be laughing when Billie’s grandmother takes a butter knife to the stomach and then tries to chew the scenery like a hungry piranha? Apparently, the answer is “Yes!”), Alley Cat is cinematic kitty litter that really satisfies. (Dir. by Edward Victor, 1984, USA, 84 mins., Rated R) Digital