Malibu Express


Looking for the perfect recipe for mid-‘80s cine-crap success? Mix equal parts fast cars, dumb blondes, and senseless violence with a redneck hero sporting a bushy Magnum P.I. mustache and a bulging speedo, add an irrationally complicated plot involving murder, blackmail, espionage, killer bodybuilders and cross-dressing maniacs, then sprinkle liberally with a bouncing bevy of top-heavy Playboy Playmates acting their bikini tops off, and voila! … you’ve got yourself a real tasty hot mess called Malibu Express! This 1985 “bullets, bombs and bimbos” schlock-terpiece, written and directed by quintessential dirty-old-man filmmaker Andy Sidaris (Hard Ticket to Hawaii), was the first in a jaw-droppingly sordid series of Sidaris films in which buxom babes literally torn from the pages of Playboy Magazine (look closely, and you might actually still see the centerfold staples in their belly buttons!) were thrown into nonsensical, impossible-to-follow plots packed with cheesy action, lowbrow comedy, very gratuitous T&A and an overall sense that the whole enterprise had been created by an extremely horny 10 year old boy with a pituitary gland problem and really bad taste. In Malibu Express, sleazy mustachioed private eye Cody Abilene (Darby Hinton) lives on a houseboat (naturally), races cars, hangs out at firing ranges and beds giggling airheads at the rate of 3 or 4 a night (or more if he lucks out and bags a set of twins), waiting for the next stupid case to come his way. And of course it does, in the form of the mysterious, coconut-breasted Contessa (played by B-movie babe Sybil Danning), who hires Cody to investigate the ultra-wealthy and decadent Chamberlin family (for some reason that may or may not be revealed at some point), leading to a s**t storm of explosions, car chases, gun battles, hot showers and oily sexcapades. Bouyed by Darby Hinton’s hilariously wooden attempt to “out Burt Reynolds” Burt Reynolds, Sybil Danning’s ravenous breasts, a bizarre supporting cast made up of ‘80s acting wreckage (including “Nick the Dick” from Bachelor Party!) and constant, unrelenting stupidity, Malibu Express (which not surprisingly was co-funded by the Playboy corporation) is a bit like Russ Meyer on Prozac and a whole lot of dumb fun. (Dir. by Andy Sidaris, 1985, USA, 97 mins., Rated R) Digital