Nail Gun Massacre


“It’s cheaper than a chainsaw!”
Ever have one of those days when you’re looking to go on a massacre, and you just can’t find the right tool? Well, as this notoriously shoddy ‘80s slasher flick proves, any old hunk of junk in the shed will do, so why not a nail gun? And if that nail gun is in the possession of a dainty killer decked out in camouflage, sporting a motorcycle helmet held together with duct tape, and spouting stupid one-liners like “those are the worst headaches – the ones between the eyes!” right before firing off a few rounds of deadly nails obviously made out of rubber, then you know you’re in for some serious bad movie bliss. This incredibly cheap, incredibly low-rent shocker, shot in the wilds of rural Texas by one-time-only filmmaker Terry Lofton, has garnered a stellar reputation over the years as one of the worst-of-the-worst, a hilariously misguided attempt to get in on the ‘80s slasher craze, only without all of the cash, class and talent behind something like, say, Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers.
Here, we have a giggling maniac who identity is supposedly a big secret best saved for the “shocking” climax (although it’s more than obvious who the killer is within the first 10 minutes) running roughshod over the redneck residents of a small Texas town, seeking revenge for … well, you’ll find out. As the mad killer runs amuck with the aforementioned nail gun, the townsfolk just can’t relax because absolutely no one is safe, with various victims getting nailed while engaging in normal, everyday activities like having sex on the hood of a Trans-Am (classy!) or taking a leak in the woods (messy!). And worst of all, this nail-happy killer loves cracking wise and making terrible puns through a vocal distorter that sounds a bit like broken Mr. Microphone being used by Joan Rivers. The seemingly improvised scripts offers no real relief or coherence, the special effects consist almost entirely of wobbly nails, a fake hand, and Strawberry Quik, and the killer is too petite to be very scary. But, if it was easy to make a good horror film, well, then everyone would be doing it, right? (Dir. by Terry Lofton, 1985, 85 min., Rated R) Digital Presentation